hopeless...

Today, I am feeling a bit down. I guess I just need to vent. I have been trying and trying and trying to be the bigger the person and kill her with kindness and for over a year and half now... yet, still I get nothing in return. It breaks my spirit down and I seem to dwell on this issue everyday. I try and take everyones advice and just forget about it. Not everyone is going to like you but I just can't give up! I refuse to give up when I know what the benefits are to everyone getting along and co-parenting. I refuse to settle or back down even though I'm getting a big slap in the face every time I reach out.
I wish she would notice how much time and extra effort I'm putting in with the kids and helping her out. You would think I would get the respect I deserve but sadly I don't. I wrote many a email reaching out to her to talk and get past whatever it is she is holding against me and she ignores me time and time again. I refuse to give up because this is my life! I have to deal with her for the rest of it. I want peace! I want to feel comfortable at the kids activities. I want normalcy. This has me at my wits end. Don't know why I keep trying or care so much....Feeling hopeless....

The outcome..

The dreaded day of court came and I woke up feeling anxious and sick to my stomach. We were both pretty quiet on the drive over to the court house. We met with our lawyer and went over some things and then the whole day turned into a bunch of back and forth with our lawyers trying to settle. Believe me, we wanted to settle and have tried to settle and mediate MANY a times before this day but she was unwilling to let go of anything. Her offers were basically a BIG slap in the face. She wanted her lawyer fees paid, she wanted a lump sum of about 20 grand, (who has 20 grand just laying around??), she only wanted to reduce the child support amount by $300!! Ya, like that would help us any!, she wanted her overdraft fees paid, she wanted us to pay all the back child support we owed by a certain date.... and so on! The demands were out of this world. The whole time the lawyers were going back and forth, I sat quietly on a bench in the hall.. crying. Wondering how in the world could we do even half of the demands she wanted. We were trying our best and she couldn't see that? We can't pay what we dont' have! After hours and hours of this... Jason thought is best if we just settle. I wasn't so sure but when were summoned back into the court room and her attorney was about to read the settlement agreement. Our attorney looked at Jason and I saw his head nod. We were going to trial.
I was so nervous and scared. It's a 50/50 chance that you will be heard and that things will go your way. We were in court for 4 hours on our case and it got ugly in there. I was a blubbering mess the whole time. This was our life in the balance. Our lawyer was amazing and his closing remarks had me crying. I really felt he believed in our case and was very passionate about our case. He has this booming voice and it felt like the movies the way her commanded that court room. I couldn't have been more grateful in that moment. The things he said about my husband were so on.

In the end we did get a reduction of about $1200 in the child support and we didn't have to pay her attorney's fees. We had to pay $4000 to her by Feb. 2013 and that was hard but we did it. It has been a roller coaster of up and downs since then. We are struggling to make everything work and still dealing with a person who is so un willing to see anything we have done and continue to do. This is a reality I need to deal with. I keep thinking it will get better and am let down time and time again. I keep having hope that she will be easier work to with and that we all can get along one day... EVEN after all she has put us through.

Maybe one day...